I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
the raccoons are back...
Randomize