I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
