I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
