im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Randomize
