he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
