Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
My breasts were aching with rage.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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