you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
