So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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