shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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