he puts the penis in happiness.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
You've changed since you got that strap on
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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