new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
My dick has a subreddit
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
