...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
