tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Randomize
