I should be sponsored by Trojan
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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