Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
