How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
