How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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