I must be too annoying 4 u.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
