Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
