Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
