I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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