Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
this beer tastes like vomit already
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Randomize