her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
