We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
