see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
