I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
