I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
