I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
