I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
