Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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