Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Four minutes until I can fart!
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
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