the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
My brain says no but my pants say off.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Randomize
