I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Randomize
