I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
