The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
