ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
