Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Randomize
