You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement 😭😂
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