I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
