Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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