Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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