and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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