Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
you had me at cake vodka
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Randomize
