I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
