My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
