She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
My dick has a subreddit
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Randomize
