worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
It's blow job season.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize