____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
