mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
