Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
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