i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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