shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Randomize
