made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
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