tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
