I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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