my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
