Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Randomize
