It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Randomize
