Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
i think i just lost a toe
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
