I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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