He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
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