I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Randomize
