I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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