I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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