he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
