I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Randomize
